We spoke last week about the vital role that communication plays in healthy relationships. “God does not destroy nature, but perfects it,” as St. Thomas Aquinas reminded us. God wants to transform not only the way we communicate with our loved ones in general, but how we engage and manage healthy conflict in relationships. As I mentioned in a previous homily, most of us either run away from conflict or we simmer unto explosion when the pressure builds. Neither tactic allows God to love us or love the person with whom we’re in conflict. The Lord Jesus modeled an attitude of calm in the midst of conflict that often baffled his opponents. He lived what St. Paul described in his letter to the Colossians: “Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony” (Col. 3:12-14). What does it look like when Catholic families resolve their conflicts in a loving manner?

   One exercise that is practiced when engaged couples are preparing for marriage is called “Ten Steps to Resolving Conflict”. It’s a simple and effective way to avoid common and destructive patterns in our conflict communication. Here’s the model:

1. Set a time and place for the discussion.
2. Define the problem. Be specific. _____________________________________
3. List the ways you each contribute to the problem.
4. Partner 1: ________________________________________________
5. Partner 2: ________________________________________________
6. List past attempts to resolve the issue that were not successful.

   1)_________________________ 2) _________________________

      3)  _________________________ 4) __________________________

   5. Brainstorm 10 possible solutions to the problem. Do not judge or criticize any of the suggestions at this point.

      1) _________________________   2) __________________________

        3) _________________________   4) __________________________

        5) _________________________   6) __________________________

      7) _________________________   8) __________________________

        9) _________________________   10) __________________________

  6. Discuss and evaluate each of these possible solutions. Be as objective as possible. Talk about how useful and appropriate each suggestion feels for resolving the issue.

  7. Agree on one solution to try: _____________________________________

  8. Agree how you will each work toward this solution. Be as specific as possible.

1. Partner 1: ______________________________________________
2. Partner 2: ______________________________________________

  9. Set up another meeting to discuss your progress.

Place: __________________________    Date: __________ Time: _______

  10. Reward each other for progress. If you notice your partner making a positive contribution toward the solution, praise his/her effort.

   Conflict resolution is hard, but letting things fester never ends well! Give it a try and let me know how it goes!

-Fr. Stephen