The skill of good communication and resolving conflict are the natural foundation upon which a happy and holy marriage can be built. “God does not destroy nature, but perfects it,” as St. Thomas Aquinas continues to remind us. God wants to perfect each and every aspect of your marriage covenant with His grace. Since intimacy is one of the most important aspects of marriage, God cares a great deal about it. So what would marital intimacy look like in a healthy relationship guided by God?

   On a baseline level, we need to talk about intimacy in order to practice it well. Intimacy is the close personal connection we have with another person we love and trust. It is not merely or even primarily physical, though that is one form of intimacy. You can have intimacy with all sorts of people whenever there’s a deep bond. You can lack intimacy with people you’re physically close to (think of a crowded bus or a grocery line). Affection is the demonstration of physical and emotional intimacy within the relationship. It can manifest through physical touch, a kind word, a thoughtful gesture or random act of kindness. Affection that expresses intimacy is a learned skill. Especially within marriage, you have to be attuned to how your spouse likes to give and receive love. You can take out the garbage every week for 25 years, and your spouse may still nag you for not remembering your first date anniversary. You can give great back rubs, but still be emotionally distant when he or she wants to talk through hard feelings. A conversation around intimacy and affection in general can be a great way to begin exploring how to better love one another. Questions like, “How did your parents show affection to you when you were a kid?” and “On a scale of 1-10, how much affection do you want in our marriage?” can break the ice to more delicate topics. In addition, praying together as a couple (see the 08/23 bulletin) can greatly increase intimacy through vulnerability and mutual trust. If you’re willing to pray with your spouse about your marriage, you can begin to talk about it more freely.

   The marital act is the most personal and vulnerable action you can perform with your spouse. More than holding hands or sharing your feelings, this union of body and soul requires that you bring your whole self with you to the marriage bed. It’s accomplished in a truly human and holy way when it’s accompanied by all the other healthy forms of intimacy and affection. If it’s an isolated part of your relationship or it’s instrumentalized to relieve stress or avoid hard conversations, it will inevitably corrupt. If it’s completely absent, the health of intimacy in the marriage as a whole may need strengthening. As the Catechism clearly states, “The acts in marriage by which the intimate and chaste union of the spouses takes place are noble and honorable; the truly human performance of these acts fosters the self-giving they signify and enriches the spouses in joy and gratitude” (CCC 2362). Intimacy, whether in daily life or the marriage bed, is necessary for the flourishing of authentic married love. If you haven’t been talking about it recently, start today!



   -Fr. Stephen